I'm very comfortable with my own company. I lived alone for many years, and loved it (I have a housemate now, but I may as well be living alone). Despite this, I wish the situation was different. I'm so tired of not having a significant other to share my life with.
I've been particularly affected by this while in Vietnam. I'm spending a lot of time with two other med students from my uni (one male, one female). Both have partners at home, who they talk to every day. I don't really have regular contact with anyone from home. I've Skyped with my Mum a couple of times, and with my sister (and nephew), but that's it. Whenever the other students talk about their partners, it depresses me - I wish I had someone special to miss, or someone special who missed me. (Yes, I know my family and friends miss me, and I miss them, but it's not the same.)
I had a mini-meltdown in relation to this on (lunar) New Year's Eve. We'd been drinking for about seven hours, and I was also a bit hormonal, so it's hardly surprising that it all caught up with me. We'd just watched the NYE fireworks around the lake in Hanoi, and were taking silly photos with the locals. One of the other students said something to me about how he wished his girlfriend was there to experience it. It was weird - I was immediately struck by a feeling of overwhelming loneliness and despair, and walked away so that no-one would see me crying.
One of the female students from a different university spotted me, and tried to comfort me with a hug. Bad move - I'm not a hugger (unless it's a big bear hug). I shrugged her off quite rudely and walked away. All I wanted was to go back to the hotel and cry myself to sleep. Eventually the others talked me into staying out, and I had an OK time - we went to a smoky pub, and had street food at 4am (better than a dodgy kebab!). But I was putting on a brave face - I really felt like complete crap. When I eventually made it home, I did cry myself to sleep. Sometimes it feels good to do that (I know how strange that sounds).
Anyway, this situation isn't going to change while I'm on holidays, so there's no point dwelling on it. Sorry about the 'woe is me' post - I'm alone in Hoi An for the weekend, and I guess I'm feeling reflective.
More on the Vietnam trip soon, with photos...
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8 comments:
*BIG UNESCAPABLE BEAR HUGS*
Oh dear KT... this post made me feel very sad :,( I'm sending telepathic messages to Cupid to send some love your way this Valentine's Day...
*Hugs*. Are you getting any clothes made in Hoi An or going to My Son?
The solution is - quite obviously - to rip your heart out. Imagine life removed of any desire to couple and procreate. Imagine how PRODUCTIVE we would be; how FOCUSSED; how EFFICIENT! *Sigh* Beautiful robots.
At a party before Christmas I cried to a friend that nobody loves me. Uurgh. I cringe. Obviously alcohol was involved.
Most of all I hate that I WANT someone to love me. Why can't I WANT to be a beautiful robot?
Oh. I realise my comment probably doesn't offer any comfort/ reassurance whatsoever. Hmmm.
I'm going couple punching this valentines day. Feel free to join
Couple punching - how very therapeutic, and great exercise too! It's win-win.
Dragonfly - I got heaps of clothes made in Hoi An. I went to My Son last time I was in Vietnam.
C - Oh to be a robot!
Puddle - Thanks for the sentiment, but I harbour no hard feelings against couples. I'm flying to Hanoi on Saturday, and I'm quite looking forward to an early dinner and watching many DVDs!
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